The Luv Doc: What Grindr Is Not

Dear Luv Doc,

OK, I’ll start out that I am recently widowed 15 months, from a 41-year relationship/marriage with my husband. After 15 months I decided to start looking, as my right arm is now twice as big as my left. When I was in my 20s, “the bar” was the thing, or a bookstore (don’t ask), but now it seems it’s all social media dating apps. New to me. I met a guy on Grindr, which surprisingly is not the Wild Wild West I thought it would be, and actually very nice and decent, and me at 63 he at 38 .... Then, a guy I’ve known as an acquaintance through work, he went with a bunch of us recently to Round Top to hear James Dick play. We were on a group chat due to ETA, etc., and now he is solo chatting me up like crazy and when I asked that if I didn’t know better I would say he was flirting with me, he stated, “You are just now figuring it out?” He at 43 me at 63. I’m at a loss. I want to think this is all good but somewhere in the back of my mind I dunno. Any sage advice?  – A Widower of the Wild West

I’m guessing you’re not a devoted reader of this column. That’s cool. I’m not sure they actually exist now that my mom is dead. I forward this supposition not because of the biological unlikelihood of a 63-year-old man being my mother, but rather because anyone who has spent some quality time at this end of the Chronicle knows that sage advice really isn’t my forte. Also, full disclosure: I used the word “forte” instead of my go-to “jam” in the preceding instance because I felt like it tied in nicely with James Dick/classical music vibe you were throwing down. It’s refreshing to keep it classical every now and again. Also, fun fact: James Dick is from Hutchinson, Kansas. I had a cousin up that way. He was a crop duster, and by “crop duster” I don’t mean the type of fellow who ruins a James Dick piano recital by surreptitiously passing gas on his way the men’s room. I mean the type of airplane pilot who flies dangerously close to the ground spraying actual pesticides on crops – which, I might add, stretch as far as the eye can see up in Hutchinson, Kansas. I feel completely safe in saying it’s a place you will never pass through – unless for some impossible reason you have kinfolk in Darlow, Yoder, or Cruppers Corner.

I think it’s also safe to say that James Dick grew up with relatively few distractions to keep him from mastering the piano. Yes, Hutchinson does have a zoo, but unless you want to feel suicidally sad about animals, you should probably avoid that place like Chernobyl. There is also a space museum – the Cosmosphere – which might come as a surprise until you consider the fact that there are very few places with more space than Hutchinson. Of course, Hutchinson’s real claim to fame is that it’s been the home of the Kansas State Fair since 1913. The fair is the largest single event in the state and attracts over 300,000 people to Hutchinson every year. That said, it’s a place you will never pass through.

To be fair, the same could be said of Round Top, Texas, but somehow, despite being short one sad zoo, a Cosmosphere and a state fair, it’s pretty poppin’ for a small town. Maybe it’s the music festival? It surely isn’t the Grindr action, and I’m not sure if the Lark actually counts as a bookstore. It’s a good thing you’re in Austin, eh? Given your recent experience, it probably seems like this town is brimming with fresh-faced, middle-aged men looking to hook up with a sexy sexagenarian like yourself, and when it comes down to it, optically speaking, there isn’t a huge difference between a 43-year-old penis and a 63-year-old penis – unless the 63-year-old’s pubic hair is the Wild Wild West, which, coincidentally, a 43-year-old recognizes as a Will Smith movie/song and a 63-year-old recognizes as the singular artistic achievement of the Eighties band Escape Club. There are probably some other problems with a 20-year age gap, but none of them are insurmountable. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that, though it might seem like it now, the Grindr pool for 63-year-old gay men isn’t bottomless – and by that I am not saying it’s mostly tops, I am saying that at some point you might have to settle for some 50-year-olds, so keep your expectations low and your gratitude high – just the same as you would if you were passing through Hutchinson, Kansas.